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Author
Mary Ann Borg Cunen, M.A. Counselling Psychology (Baltimore, U.S.A.)
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“If only I had known what he was like before I had children with him” is the typical cry from the heart of a woman feeling trapped in an abusive relationship. Thanks to our feminist grandmothers we now have the option of leaving a destructive partner. However the nothing will wipe away the consequences of having made such a choice of partner in the first place, be it on the children or the future of the victim herself or himself.
That is why it is all important to be able to pick up the signs that this woman or man may turn out to be bad news. I have outlined here some of these ‘early warning signs’. These were listed with the help of people, men and women who, looking back, saw that there had been indications in the attitudes and behaviours of their future partner which, if they had been paid attention to, would have saved them a lot of pain. At this early stage seeing how one’s boyfriend or girlfriend behaves with others can give valuable clues as to how he or she may treat oneself in the future. Since the perpetrator may be male or female I will alternate in the use of pronouns.
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• Manipulates others to reach her goals by using any way that works: this could be doing things that are dishonest or illegal, using coercion, threatening suicide, or putting constant pressure on you till you agree.
• Is not kind to animals.
• Does not seem to have much of a conscience.
• Looks down at or dislikes his sister or mother.
• Has little respect for laws or social customs that interfere with her own wishes or goals. She believes that she is above the law, may believe that people who work hard for a living are beneath her. May be disinterested in observing customs or giving gifts.
• Will not change his behaviour to accomodate the needs or comfort of others. He is rude and inconsiderate in a self centered way, putting his needs before those of others. Often victims describe that he insists he drops everything he is doing in order to attend to his requirements.
• Has very strong opinions and is critical of others. He typically is unwilling to tolerate the opinion of others if they differ from his own, may be racist or sexist, and cannot discuss things calmly. Later this intolerance will turn onto you!
Some of the ways a partner behaves may seem “sweet” at the beginning. However they are signs of controlling attitudes which will get more extreme over time. Possessiveness is one trait that is sometimes misinterpretated.
• Acts jealous when you spend time with others; family, children, friends and is possessive of you. She may even get angry when you help others or have commitments of your own.
• Wants to be with you all the time. Refuses to let you spend time alone.
• Is disinterested in or feels threatened by your personal desire or goals. You may find that your interests are discouraged and called ‘pointless’. Your life is slowly restricted and instead of feeling encouraged to make the best of yourself you find the person wants time and focus to be on him only. Just before an event important to you he may create a crisis that forces you to choose between him and the event. Reads your messages and private dairy.
• Is intrusive regarding your decisions insisting that they “affect them” and therefore should be a “joint decision”.
• Uses looks or gestures to scare you, threaten to hit you, use a weapon against you, or destroy property?
• Attempts to make you feel jealous or insecure teasing you with threats of leaving you, hinting that she has other lovers waiting for her “in the wings”, and comparing you to previous lovers.
• Behaves in a demanding way by, for example, demanding that the food is ready at a certain time.
Most important however is to look inside and observe how one’s self-confidence and joy de vivre has changed since you have been together:
• Do you like yourself less than usual when you have been with him?
• Does she ignore your feelings?
• Does he bewilder you by switching from charm to rage without warning?
• Do you feel confused, off balance or inadequate with him?
• Makes you feel you need to “walk on egg shells” around her. Anything may irritate her, depending on her mood.
Research has shown that if a person was abused, emotionally, verbally, sexually, or physically during childhood she or he is more likely to be abused in future relationships. The reasons for this are linked with the self concept of the victim. She may not think she deserves better, or she may not know she can stand up for her rights in a relationship. If a person again and again finds herself in abusive relationships it is time look deep inside to change these destructive patterns.
Different Types of Abuse:
Emotional - ignoring feelings, playing mind games, being jealous and possessive
Verbal - yelling, calling names, insults, put downs, threats
Sexual - not listening to ‘no’, rude comments, unwanted touch
Physical - hurting a person physically, destroying property, using weapons
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